STOP WOGUBWOVBWOEUGBWORGBOWBG I’M SO HAPPY
I know I come across as an obnoxious, outgoing, big-mouthed person. I know I may do things that may not be ‘acceptable’ to you. I can say mean things, I can do mean things, and I may not realize it at the time. And I know, more than anything else, that I am NOT perfect. But there have been some hurtful messages sent to me on my blog, saying that the people who sent them go to my school, and they’ve seen me, and they hate me and hope that I die, and a million other mean things like that. And because of that, I just wanted to send out something to EVERYONE, because I don’t know who they are… But I still want everyone to see.
In April, I attempted suicide. Because of that entire experience, and the events leading up to it (losing someone very important to me as a friend, ending two relationships that I put everything I had into, and realizing that most of the bad things that were happening were my fault), I changed as a person. I was always obnoxious and loud and out there. But because of the suicide attempt, I changed internally. I try to make everyone feel like they’re good enough, because that’s NEVER how I felt. I never felt pretty enough, I never felt good enough, I never felt smart enough, and I hated myself. I still do. Seeing people write in my ask box on Tumblr saying how they wish I had died, they wished that I had succeeded in my suicide attempt… It hurts, knowing that I’ve changed so much to try to help myself afterwards. And it hurts even more knowing that people think that I hold myself up above everyone.
I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I work very hard for what I get, and I get nothing handed to me. I work so hard for my music, my grades, my life. Everything. I try so hard. SO hard. I just want you guys to know that if you want me to change, want me to be quieter or less out-going or anything else… It won’t happen. Because I’ve made so many mental and emotional changes that I don’t know how much more change I can take anymore.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about killing myself because of the things people say and how it makes me feel about myself. Even as I write this, I look around me to see what I can use to end my life, because of everything I know people think about me. But to the people who resent me and wish I’d give in to that urge - I won’t. Because I’m changing, and I know that I’m stronger than that. I have the most beautiful friends, I have the most perfect family, and I have an amazing boyfriend who has helped me through more than you could possibly imagine, and I don’t tell him I love him enough. My mother is the most beautiful person in the entire world, and I make sure she knows it, because I want her to feel my love for her every second of every day. And I want all my friends to know that if I’m not perfect for you, I’m sorry. But I’m not trying to be. I won’t change that much, but I will change for ME, and ONLY for me.
To the people writing in my ask box, keep writing. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to affect me. But just know that it does NOTHING, and I will not change who I am for you. You cannot make me change for you. The only one who can make me change is me, and if I want to change, I will. If you tell me to kill myself, keep going.
I won’t. And that’s a promise.